A longtime friend of mine sent me a link to a story she had written about her daughter Danielle. Linda and I go way back and when I thought about it, it stopped me in my tracks thinking about the passage of time. Anyway, Linda and I shared very similar stories about our children, their diagnoses (plural), our challenges, and how every day conversations have been shaped by these circumstances. I’d like you to read it HERE for just a brief pause and potentially, a new perspective on dialogue, problems and perception. Linda’s article did that for me.

While I cannot speak for Linda or anybody who has or is going through astronomical challenges, I can speak for myself and how my family and, maybe even more importantly, your children, shape you in ways beyond the complexities of love and support.

So, here goes. My name is Peter O’Malley, owner of Allure Intimate Apparel. I thought I’d use this platform as an outlet to share a little bit more about my story, family, work and every day life as it relates to the people all around us. How it gives every day interactions meaning. This, of course was precipitated by Linda’s words, trust and insight into something much more dynamic. I will also expound on Linda’s view as they relate to me and not having a “normal” child, past or present.

Without getting too much into the details, I had three children and now have two. Mic, or Michael Shane O’Malley was born in 1997 and passed away from suicide a few years ago. His legs and feet were moving the day he was born and by the time he could walk, we needed quick reflexes just to keep up with him! He was a spitfire of exuberance and even maturity at a very young age. Out of all of his many cousins, he was definitely one of the funniest. He could get away with murder just by molding a bad situation into something hysterical. He helped to show you how unimportant any given “crisis” might be. At around six years of age, we knew something wasn’t right and was misdiagnosed, or not diagnosed at all, until a few years later with childhood Type 1 childhood diabetes. He, his siblings and entire family, rallied around that and stayed exceptionally strong. I remeber the first time he had a bad “low,” the kids were off playing in the woods by our house. I was actually outside doing some kind of dorky film project and happened to capture it on an old Sony camcorder. Mic, as we called him, was riding piggy back on his older sister Clare’s back. They were off in the distance, it was not anything out of the ordinary, and they were teamed up like the three musketeers that they were. It was my chance to save an adorable memory. As they walked up, Clare shouted that Mics sugar was low and we needed to get him in for some fast reacting drinks, tablets and food. This was just days after we settled in to our new reality. I got my “shot” and Mic was taking his, usually times 4-6 times daily, for the rest of his life.

Fast forward a few years. After adjusting quite well, Mic started to pass an exorbitant amount of blood through his stool. Quickly thereafter, he was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Another life long condition of extreme stomach pain, weight loss and the requirement of keeping a bathroom near by. For those that have it, it ebbs and flows but there is no long term escape from it. There are also no cures or pills that makes it go away. This was really the major turning point for him and the family. We, of course, tried everything. We rallied as a team like no other and actually all went on a true gluten free diet which back then, was a real commitment. Jack and Clare, Mic’s brother and sister, did it willingly as well. We drank kefir and tried all of the things that could presumably assist in your stomach’s flora and fauna. We were relentless and nothing worked. We found out years later that Jack and Clare, after about 9 months gluten free, got up in the middle of the night to make a cake! We tried everything including candy bartering for “prizes” around Halloween. The more you collected, the more each kid had to get gifts. This all may sound brutally sad, unfair or even macabre, but everyone was hanging on. Life, overall, was as magical as we could make it. We made fun a priority over all else.

Then, just a few years later, Mic started having seizures and at times, would lay unconscious and not breathing for several minutes. There were many ambulance rides and moments of complete horror. When somebody has grand mal seizures, they stay in a deep fog for days and are completely drained of their energy. Just when you think it can’t get worse, it can, and the doctors never figured out why.

From there, Mic spiraled down hill into isolation, bouts with mental illness and finally suicide in his early twenties. We all, his family and friends, watched him slowly slip away over many years. With it, came two forms of guilt. The first, of course, was not being able to save him. He had threatened to take his life for several years and then one day, he did. The second form of guilt is the genuine feeling of relief and even selfishness. Mic was at peace and we would carry on with the rest of our lives. With a bloodline of doctors in the family, most approaching it pragmatically, it helped in recovery but didn’t make it any easier at the time. I still had to go through the process which ended up being, as best as I can describe, mental doors that I had to walk through and close behind me. It was telling myself simply, after having walked through the first set of doors, to not look back and analyze it. Move on with the personal understanding that I already had and that the next door is now the focus. What that looked like required well thought out corridors with well defined challenges. Finally, one day, I was at the end of the hall. I no longer had to evaluate the details and was confident in my love, his love. I had a better understanding of what was versus what will be. We all control and shape that everyday.

Linda’s perspective as it relates to daily interactions and the word “measure” triggered something extremely interesting in my mind. Having operated Allure for 23 years, my brain always sees a correlation in something we do every day. We measure and we fit. Sounds simple enough. However, it got me to instantly thinking about how we all measure one another and communicate. In Linda’s case, it was “how is Danielle.” For us, it was “how is Mic.” For almost 20 years, it was the focus. It forces you to place it on a Richter scale of one through 10. It requires you to evaluate the question and review a time frame of your choosing. Do you compare it to healthy kids or do you look at today, yesterday, this year or even the last five years. The silver lining became a two way perspective about yourself and others. What is my demeanor or mindset today? What is theirs? Do they really care? This became the gift of walking in shoes with not just one pebble, but many, over a long period of time. Don’t make me sing the infamous Godspell song or I will!

So yeah, we measure and fit people all day long, every single day. We grind. In terms of perspective, our staff is doing more than that. They are literally counselors, psychologists, confidants and friends with their customers. They share stories, problems, hugs and laughter on the daily. In it’s literal form, Allure Girls are daughters, moms, caregivers and people who also have pebbles in their shoes. If you read their reviews, it’s crystal clear in the extraordinary things that they do. Day in and day out, playing measuring and supporting, for not just fit and fashion. A hand. An ear. The bra that you bought, that’s not quite right, isn’t a life crisis. But maybe something underneath that is? This is something we have to be astutely aware of.

Full circle.

Thanks to a friends words this morning, I had an awakening in regards to measuring and a better understanding of it’s perspective. Literally, beyond a measuring tape. As people, we can build each other up but it’s not done by your role, job, lifestyle or status. It’s done by approach. With the few complaints we receive, a basic but rare example is, “I didn’t get greeted on time” or “I stood there for 10 minutes.” While I very much do impress upon this as a sound, common, required practice, I often wonder what that customer’s approach was. Have they ever walked into a store or restaurant with an enthusiastic “good morning” or “how is your day going?” Do people who don’t notice others tend to not get noticed themselves? I don’t know anyone who gives a smile freely and doesn’t get one back. This is just one small example.

For me, and moving forward, I’m also asking myself if my measuring tape is hand to hand with arms open wide or, am I taking reviewing the data with no flexibility or understanding? It starts with you, me and us. Don’t sweat the small stuff!

Thank you for listening

Peter